Love’s Abuse Preview
As my sneakers hit the ground on my morning run, I relished the burning in the calves. The same playlist was running on my iPod as always and right then it was Evanescence’s “Bring Me To Life”… And I wondered what it would ever take for me feel that. Would anything ever save me?
Was that even possible at this point? Maybe there were just people there was no hope for?
I nodded to a few people as I flew by them. I always ran the grounds the opposite direction on the wrong days, my way of saying I didn’t want anyone to join me.
That and I didn’t think anyone could keep up. Most went to jog—I sprinted the whole time. I needed to sprint. I needed to always be ready to run. To be able to run faster, harder than anyone who might be behind me.
Seether’s “Broken” loaded next and I knew that was a true song. And didn’t that just answer my earlier question.
And the one I was trying to work out in my mind… But I knew the answer to that one as well. I didn’t know why I even bothered debating if I’d go back to Ben and Dean tonight. I would. I knew I would. I’d let them hurt me however they wanted, fuck me however they wanted—do whatever they wanted to me.
It was the only way I felt anything. And I needed to feel. They all thought it was how I enjoyed my sex, and I let them think that because as much as I hated the looks people gave me, if they knew the truth, what they’d really think then would be so much worse.
Then I’d have to run again. I was always ready to run—I ran every day just to make sure I was prepared for it. But I didn’t want to.
I didn’t want to be broken anymore. I wanted to be brought to life. How did someone go from one to the other? I thought I knew the answer—find a new Master. No one ever seemed to want me though.
So I waited, and ran, and let whoever wanted to hurt me have me, so I felt something in the meantime… And wished maybe I hadn’t fought so hard all those years ago. I still didn’t think all this was worth fighting for.
* * * *
My heart sank as Ben and Dean continued to fuck me that night in one of the common rooms. I should never have been honest with them when they asked me what I wanted. I should have been smart enough to know they liked giving the pain of denying others what they needed. They liked to humiliate, choke, and demean. None of that did shit for me, but still I came, hoping if I played their games long enough, they’d give me even a crumb of what I needed.
After two months, they hadn’t.
“You came to watch the show, Helios?” Ben grunted as he smacked me. “Thought you might like to see this.”
I didn’t know the name but I didn’t even bother looking because this was boring to me, and I didn’t really even care.
“Get off him,” a strange voice snarled, so deeply that I practically felt it reverberate through my bones across the room from him. Slowly I shifted my head and gazed as best as I could while Dean’s dick was in my mouth and met the most gorgeous green eyes staring back at me.
And for a second, I wondered if he was who I’d been waiting for all this time.